I Told an Angel a Hell Joke

Even staring at the two bizarre beings in the air for just a few seconds was overwhelming.

Wu Wang felt a massive amount of information pour into his brain. He couldn't discern what any of it was. It felt like water being forcibly pumped into his skull, giving him a splitting headache.

Fortunately, this was a huge improvement over the chaotic, jumbled madness he'd experienced when looking directly at the Abyss God. At least he didn't explode from a single glance.

That damned Abyss God was something that truly could not be witnessed directly!

The four-faced angel, which Wu Wang suspected was a Cherub, regarded him silently. Its mouth did not move, but a genderless voice echoed directly in his mind.

"Player Number 00000, you are qualified to become our Representative."

"Are you willing to walk the world on behalf of the Divine Envoys?"

Beside it, the Wheel within a Wheel spun, its many eyes turning to stare at Wu Wang in unison.

He, however, just asked with a hint of suspicion, "May I ask a question?"

The moment he heard them speak, Wu Wang had a realization. They were the so-called Divine Envoys, not gods.

To be honest, Wu Wang was still skeptical about whether gods even existed. And now they were asking him to become their Representative.

This reminded Wu Wang of what Xiezhi had told him. Those who had an Audience saw their strength skyrocket, and they were now the pillars of top organizations around the world.

Interesting, he thought. Have all those people become Representatives for these Divine Envoys?

"Of course. We are omniscient and omnipotent."

"What is your question?"

The human face at the center of the Cherub opened its eyes, its gaze seeming to pierce through to Wu Wang's very soul.

In truth, it already knew what the player planned to ask. This was not its first Audience, after all.

The questions were always the same. They were about improving one's strength, the existence of other Representatives, the nature of Divine Envoys or gods, or the fundamentals of the Spirit Calamity Player game.

The Cherub was simply curious about which question he would ask first.

If it was about strength, the person's vision was narrow, only able to see the present. If it was about other Representatives, that wasn't much better, still confined to the category of "people."

But if he asked about one of the latter two questions, then the Representative they found this time would be passable. At least he would have some foresight.

"I'd like to ask," Wu Wang began, his expression as innocent as a child's, "if you're the Cherub from the Old Testament, do Hell and Satan also exist in this world?"

The Cherub was momentarily stunned.

?

This was a little different from what it had imagined. Never before had a human granted an Audience made their first question about the existence of Hell and Satan.

Oh… wait. In a sense, the fellow was still inquiring about the existence of gods. He was just being clever about it.

The Wheel within a Wheel spun slightly, revealing that its thoughts were identical to the Cherub's.

Thus, it answered, "The legends and myths of your world are not entirely baseless. However, humanity has added much of its own imagination over the generations. Still, prototypes for Hell and Satan do indeed exist."

It said no more. Some things could not be revealed through language. It was enough to let the human know that myths were not entirely fictional.

But Wu Wang's next question once again left the Cherub baffled.

"Oh. Then let me ask, if I light a bible with the fire of my faith, will I still go to Heaven?"

"..."

After a moment of silence, it chose to answer.

"If you become the Representative of a Divine Envoy, you will."

At this point, the Cherub assumed the human was a devout believer. How else could it explain these strange questions?

However, Wu Wang's next words were shocking.

"But if I use a page from the Bible to roll a joint and light up, will I go to Hell or Heaven?"

?

This time, the Cherub couldn't maintain its composure. It had clearly misunderstood something.

The brain of this human who'd been granted an Audience… it seemed a little off!

A believer? My ass!

You obtained the qualification that every Spirit Calamity Player in the world begs for just to tell us jokes?

And they're fucking hell jokes!

Before the Cherub could answer, Wu Wang continued.

"If a priest dies and goes to Heaven, is that a promotion or a demotion?"

"What exactly are you trying to ask?" the Cherub demanded, unwilling to waste any more breath on this lunatic. It had come down to find its Representative. Looking at him now, there was no way it would ever choose this guy!

It would have to see what the Wheel within a Wheel had to say. Among the current Divine Envoys, fewer than five were without a Representative. They had to hurry and find theirs before that event arrived.

"Oh, it depends on what he was using to get elevated," Wu Wang answered his own question with a grin.

This time, even the Wheel within a Wheel couldn't take it. It closed all the eyes on its rings. The flames and lightning surrounding it even seemed to dim.

It clearly wanted nothing more than to leave.

"Forget it," the Cherub's voice sounded in his mind. "Your Audience ends here."

"Next, you will be returned—"

Wu Wang's sarcastic voice cut in before it could finish.

"Oh? It's over already? But I feel like the Audience hasn't even begun."

"Are you really the ones I'm supposed to have an Audience with?"

"You call yourselves Divine Envoys, but I don't feel a trace of divinity from you."

"Or should I say... you're just people who have obtained greater strength?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, the eagle face on the Cherub's neck snapped around. The Wheel within a Wheel reignited its brilliant flames and opened all its eyes.

In an instant, the temperature of the entire white space skyrocketed.

Scorching flames began to materialize from thin air, the nearest licking at the ground less than half a meter from Wu Wang's feet.

The helpless expression on the Cherub's human face vanished. In its place was the same blank look from the beginning.

Within its open pupils, entire galaxies seemed to swirl, mesmerizing to behold.

Its voice once again appeared in Wu Wang's mind, but this time it carried an undeniable weight of majesty and divinity.

"Player Number 00000, how did you perceive our abnormality?"

"You dare to provoke a Divine Envoy. Do you not fear judgment?"

Wu Wang just smiled. He knew something was off.

Aside from their sanity-draining appearances, the two beings were far too human. They couldn't maintain their composure after just a little provocation. That wasn't how beings who called themselves Divine Envoys should act.

To be blunt, even the Yin Fate Great God, back when it first descended and before it met that Black-hearted Penguin, had seemed more divine than these two.

It was just as he'd expected. They were putting on an act.

"Judgment? What crime have I committed?"

"You're the ones who granted me the Audience. I was just satisfying my curiosity."

"If you can't handle a few questions, then don't offer. So stingy."

This time, the Cherub's expression didn't change in the slightest. Its gaze was as placid as an emotionless machine watching a court jester.

A moment later, It spoke.

"The choice is in your hands."

"Step forward. Become the Representative of a Divine Envoy, have an Audience with a true god, and be granted extraordinary Authority and a Domain of Power."

"Or step back. Welcome death, and be buried in endless darkness for all eternity."

The voice permitted no doubt. It said the choice was his, but the options made that power seem like a laughable, absurd joke.

Die if you don't become the Representative? What kind of choice was that?

"Something that good exists?" Wu Wang said, looking ecstatic.

"I choose death!"